Blogs for readers looking for more sophisticated content, as well as general life advice. I guess. I don’t give a shit.
My date that night was named Rebecca something. She had hair. She also wore clothes for some reason. “Okay, sweetheart,” I said, standing in the concession line. “Fork over the cash.” “Excuse me?” “Come on, toots. You paid for the tickets; you might as well follow through with the sweet treats. Don’t give me no […]
THAT TIME I WENT TO THE MOVIES Read More »
I have just filed for divorce from my wife of twenty-three years. Rebecca Helen O’Shanley will always hold a special place in my heart, but I can no longer allow her poisonous anti-beef rhetoric to poison the minds of our four beautiful children. To allow her any future contact with them would be tantamount to
SCANDAL: MY WIFE HATES BEEF! Read More »
It’s an age-old question: How do I force my child to consume more beef without drawing the attention of child protective services? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. Probably why the question is so goddamn old. When Abraham nearly killed his son back in the olden days it wasn’t just because Jesus said it was a
My Son is a Beefless Heathen Read More »
Beef is sacred and that is why I must consume it in large quantities. My doctor thinks I’m an asshole and that I’ll die by age fifty, but he has too much nostril hair. Beef makes me stronger than the other fathers in the neighborhood. You don’t even have to work out that much if
THE WAY OF THE BEEF Read More »
How much beef did you eat today? Whatever your answer, the latest medical research suggests it may not be enough. “What we’re seeing in the last several years is a general downward trend in patients’ critical beef levels,” says Dr. Delroy Thomas of Morristown Medical Center. “And the trend is troubling.” Many experts blame our
BUT ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH BEEF? Read More »
Welcome to the new and exciting world of beefcarcass.com! Some of you may remember us as sliceofhell.com, but those days are DEAD. GONE. GET ‘EM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Why the name change? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my family is being held hostage by some kinda beef guy. Maybe I worship a hideous
THE GREAT BEEFENING Read More »
What does Hollywood want? Damned if I know! Those uppity Hollywood bigwigs have once again rejected my screenplay, Give Me Back My Poop, a harrowing tale of an unwed mother’s battle against a tyrannical poop-stealing landlord. That the story is based on true events doesn’t seem to interest them in the slightest, nor does the
WHAT HOLLYWOOD WANTS Read More »
I’d just slam-dunked the fuck out of a basketball onto the heads of a bunch of pimply-faced teenagers when I noticed something was wrong with my ankle. “Damn it,” I said, hopping on one foot. “What’s wrong, old man?” one of the stupid little shits asked me. “You too OLD or something?” “None of your
“What do you mean you’ve never heard of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” I shouted at the stupid girl in the pet store. It was all I could do to keep from knocking her down and stepping on her. How could she not have known? “There were four of them! Mutants! Turtles! Christ, the whole
MAKE YOUR OWN NINJA TURTLE Read More »
Looking for the top ten restaurants in Milford, NJ? First, how did you find Milford? Who told you about it? Did you wake up here after another one of your benders? You really need to get your shit together. But before you do, here are the ten best restaurants in this godforsaken zip code: 1.
Top Ten Restaurants in Milford, NJ Read More »
God’s wrath is total and without end. You should fear the fires of His eternal damnation at every waking moment. Become as obsessed with avoiding Hell as you are with sending your many enemies there to burn. It is the only sane way to live. With that in mind, here are ten tips to help
How To Survive Church Read More »
Always wanted to eat a raspberry Danish, but you don’t know how? This is a common problem for assholes. Luckily, beefcarcass.com has ten tips to help you achieve your impossible dream: 1. Wear a necktie. Trust me. 2. No, seriously. You don’t want to be caught eating a Danish without a necktie. 3. Are you
HOW TO EAT A RASPBERRY DANISH Read More »
We all know that children are living nightmares, whose general worth has yet to be proven. Here are ten child-rearing tips to better manage your damnable hellions: 1. Children have poor motor skills, and generally can’t wipe themselves until at least the age of fourteen. But even then the child will not be good at
Top Ten Child-Rearing Tips Read More »
I think to be a crustacean must be the worst thing in the world. They are truly the shittiest of creatures, bottom-feeding relics of a prehistory best forgotten, with no business or place in this current century. We have computers now. VR headsets. What’s a crab even supposed to do around here? Crustaceans are simply
CRABS ARE BULLSHIT Read More »
Tired of marriage? Wondering why you did this to yourself? Check out beefcarcass.com‘s ten tips for a successful marriage: 1. Tell your spouse you’ve seen prettier, but not by much. This kind of backhanded compliment instills in your spouse the subconscious fear that you might be settling and will encourage them to work harder. 2.
Ten Tips for a Successful Marriage Read More »
