“Ouch!” I said. “Some fuckin’ thing bit me!” I saw the small black spider on the back of my hand, and wondered if the spider was gay. Biting a man, and all. “Are you gay?” I asked it. “Are you a gay spider?” Then I threw it out the window.
Later I developed super powers. “Fuck this,” I said, until I realized this might finally get me into Mary Jane’s pants.
Mary Jane was this girl in my class with really big hooters. Her parents were always fighting because her hooters were too big. A lot of shouting about, “How’d her hooters get so big?” and, “What are the implications of these hooters?” They lived right next door to me so I used to hear all of it, and sometimes I jacked off because they said hooters.
Mary Jane wouldn’t blow me. I asked her a bunch of times and she said no. She said I was a fat disgusting nerd with zits on my dick.
But now I had superpowers. Spider superpowers. I could stick to shit and flip around. But I didn’t flip around too much because it looked really gay. I was also super flexible now, which was also pretty gay. But I was strong as shit, and I could sense danger and shit, which comes in really handy when you’re in the middle of a jack session in your bedroom and your dumbass Aunt or Uncle barges in. I swear to Christ it’s like they wanted to see it. They wanted to see my dick.
THIS DUMB BITCH
The next day in school I met my dream slut by her locker. “Hey, Mary Jane,” I said. “Do you like spiders?”
“What?”
“Because a fuckin’ spider bit me. And I don’t know, it must have been radioactive or some kinda shit because I can totally do superpowers now.”
“Spiders are gross.”
“Shut up. You’re gross. I bet I could kick the shit out of you.”
“My parents told me about you. They said you’re mentally retarded and I should feel sorry for you.”
“That right?”
“But I don’t.”
“Listen, talk is cheap. Are you free tonight?” And I swear to Christ that dumb bitch was this fuckin’ close to saying, “Yes, and can we please fuck?” when her goddamn fuckin’ boyfriend, Flash Thompson, showed up. Captain of the high school football team and chiseled out of stone, that fucker looked like a goddamn Greek god, by which I mean he was probably homo. He used to kick me in the shins.
“Hey, Mary Jane,” Flash said, “Your hooters look turbo,” which was the slang at the time. He turned to me. “What’s the matter, dork? You lost?”
“Leave him alone, Flash,” Mary Jane said. “He’s in special ed.”
I held up a finger in protest. “I’m not in special ed, Mary Jane. We’re in the same geometry class. You’re as stupid as I am.”
“Fuck off, moron,” Mary Jane said.
“I have tickets for the big wrestling event tonight,” I told her. “Would you care to join me?”
“What the fuck?” Then Mary Jane and her gay boyfriend went to lunch.
Dumb bitch, I thought.
Then I went home and through an anonymous Twitter account I told Mary Jane to kill herself. “You think you’re so hot but you’re actually mid. Your tits look fake. Die, bitch.” Then I scrolled for other local hot bitches, and told them to kill themselves too. “You are ugly,” I commented on one, and hit send. Fuck that bitch, I thought. And in a way, fuck all bitches. “You are so mid you should kill yourself,” I sent to another. Then after my account got suspended I jacked off for a while.
About thirty minutes into my jack session I noticed Mary Jane, watching me across the way from her bedroom window, a look of horror spread across her very mid face. I gave her the finger.
I don’t care about women anyway. They are all too fat or too thin and I am too good for most of them.
UNCLE DOUCHE
I asked my Uncle Ben to drive me into the city that night because he was old and what the fuck else was he gonna do, have sex with Aunt May?
Uncle Ben pulled the car up to the curb and said to me, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
“What the fuck?” I said. We weren’t even talking before this. It was a complete non sequitur.
“Look, I’m trying to teach you something here.”
“Yeah, I don’t care about that,” I said. “I just wanna play Nintendo.”
The old man appeared flummoxed. He chewed his withered old man lips in consternation or whatever and I went back to my Nintendo Switch. I got it for Christmas. I wanted the black and white one because the red and blue one looked kinda gay but I guess there was something wrong with my Aunt and Uncle’s old people ears because they got me the gay one. “You’re a real piece of work, Peter.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you senile bitch? My name isn’t Peter. You forget to take your old man pills?”
Ben put his hand on my shoulder, which I thought was gay. “You’re having an episode,” he said. “We’re all pulling for you, kiddo.”
“Fuck this,” I said, and got out of the car.
WRESTLING? GAY.
Then I went to a wrestling match. Not that I’m gay or anything. I just like watching that kind of thing, and sometimes I’ll sit in the crowd and call the wrestlers gay. I wanted a T-shirt and one of those big foam middle fingers to support my favorite wrestler, Hacksaw Mahoney. I really hoped I’d get to see him chug some beers. If he didn’t chug some beers I was going to ask for my money back. Then I realized I also wanted a beer, and so I bought one, even though I was fifteen. Everyone in the line smelled. They all looked like assholes. I took my seat between two fat ladies with big tits and ate a hot dog.
I thought to myself I could wrestle all these homos so much better. “I’m stronger than those guys,” I said to those two fat sluts. “You should feel my muscles.”
“What are you, twelve?” the tan one from New Jersey said.
“I could wrestle every homo in here,” I said.
“Why don’t you do it then?” the one wearing too much eye shadow said.
“Shut the fuck up,” I said. “Check out these guns.”
And I stood up and flexed my biceps for the ladies to marvel at but there was something stuck to my ass.
“What did you do, shit yourself?” the tan one said.
“No,” I said, peeling the chilidog off the back of my pants. “You put a hot dog on my chair. You made me sit on a hot dog.”
The bell rang and the fighters went at it. There were elbows and knees and turnbuckle throws. Someone did a pile driver, followed by a power bomb. A couple guys were beaten with chairs, and another guy got slammed through a flaming table. I cupped my hands around the sides of my mouth and shouted, “Gay.”
REALLY COOL DUDE
Then some biker lunatic showed up with a gun. He popped out from behind the entrance curtain, shouting obscenities and telling everyone to keep cool. He shot three people, including the promoter. The promoter bled out slowly from the hole in his guts, begging us for help. Naturally we all thought it was part of the show so nobody moved. “This is awesome,” I said. “I like it when people get shot.”
“Ditto,” said the two fat ladies, at exactly the same time. The biker guy grabbed the big sack with a dollar sign on it and turned heel.
“That was cool,” I said. “That guy is cool.”
MY NEW CAR
But it turned out that same awesome dude who robbed the wrestling promoter later shot my Uncle Ben downstairs. “Gay,” I said, shaking my head. But I didn’t really care. Ben was old as shit and he probably would have been dead soon anyway. What really cheesed me was that the guy also stole my Uncle Ben’s car, which was probably gonna be my car after the old man finally croaked. It was a piece of shit, but it was still more than I had at the time, which was jack shit.
Then I realized that with my new superpowers I could probably go after that robber guy, face him down, and take all of his money. And he would give it to me, too, because I was so strong.
I smacked him out of a third story window for backtalk and vengeance, and then I bought myself a Hyundai.
SUBSCRIBE TO MY INSTA
After the funeral I tried to get my elderly Aunt May drunk and pinch her ass but she didn’t go for it. Shut up. She’s not my blood aunt or anything, so who cares? People make too big a deal out of incest. I mean if you’re not making freak babies, what’s the problem?
Anyway lately I’ve been dressing up like an asshole and posting my powers and shit on Insta. I also have a Youtube channel with over three million subscribers. I don’t do TikTok because it’s Chinese and gay.
Anyway I make hella fat stacks now. Everyone wants my shit. I do advertising for two different energy drinks because I don’t give a shit. They give me their money because I’m such hot shit.
It’s like my uncle said, “With great power comes a lot of cash,” or whatever.
I also get mad hoes now. They are sluts because I’m so famous. I don’t even care about Mary Jane’s hooters anymore. She’s probably a lesbian.
My fans are so stupid. They think I give a shit about them but I don’t. I just want your money. You are dumb and you will give me your money.
Sometimes I fight a goblin guy for the clicks. One time there was a sand guy.