Again the woman threw her drink in my face. Red wine rolled down my chin and stained my favorite tie. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I told her. “I said I’d like to have sex with you.”
“Oh,” the woman said. “I thought you said you worked for the postal service.”
“No ma’am. I don’t even use the postal service really, except to send packages.”
“It’s refreshing to meet a man of your taste,” she said, loosening up. “I’m sorry for throwing four drinks in your face.”
“The first one was my fault. I sat on your dog.”
“He was small anyway.” Smiling, she brushed the hair away from her eyes. The hair did not belong to her, but I was too nervous to ask her where she got it. She ordered two more glasses of wine.
There was no mistaking it: this was one classy dame. Her lips were like hot dogs, big and red. Her eyes were like large eyes. She was built like a brick shithouse and I only had four hours left until I turned back into a chimpanzee. Doctor Nelson had told me the serum wouldn’t last a second beyond midnight, and that it would take him months to brew up another batch.
I grabbed Renee by the hand. “Janice, ever since I walked into this bar and laid eyes on you I knew that we had to mate. There are eggs inside of you that I’d like to fertilize. Otherwise the eggs go bad.”
“Eggs?” she laughed, lilting and musical. “I think I’d know if I had any eggs.”
“No, you do,” I said, pointing at her fallopian tubes. “All earth women have them.” I don’t know why I phrased it that way.
“Well that must explain it,” she said. “Because I am…”
“Oh my God…”
“From Mars.”
“Jesus Christ!” I exclaimed. “Of all the lousy luck! I finally meet a pretty dame from earth and she’s a pretty dame from Mars!”
“I’m sorry,” Renee shrugged. I had half a mind to get up and leave. But in spite of her inexcusable lack of eggs, I remained smitten by the woman’s charm and personality. Also I was horny.
“Well now, hold on a minute,” I said. “If you don’t have eggs… how do Martians procreate?”
“Like this,” she said, removing a syringe from her purse. She stuck it in my leg and sucked out some blood. Then she stuck the needle in herself, and sucked out some more. Then she asked the bartender to take her blood needle and put it under a heat lamp. The bartender said no, said he had a strict policy about incubating blood needles. I said to him, “Come on, pal. It’s Christmash.”
“Did you just say Christmash?”
“Christmas, I meant. Sorry, I’m not used to talking. I used to be an ape.”
“Oh,” the bartender said, lowering his shotgun. “Well anyway, it’s Easter.”
“You never told me you were an ape,” said the alluring woman at my side, as if offended by this omission.
“I was gonna tell you. Christ, we’ve only been talking for two minutes.”
“Are you saying I just mixed my Martian blood with ape blood?” I couldn’t tell if the dame was going to faint or retch.
“Well, no,” I said. “I mean it’s human blood right now. I think. To be honest I’m not really sure how it works. Doctor Nelson really isn’t one for details. But I’m reasonably certain that I currently possess human semen.”
At that moment the door kicked open and a team of cops and doctors rushed inside. They surveyed the place very quickly and approached their target, my date, Renee the Martian girl.
She turned to them with a smile. “What took you boys so long?” she asked them coyly. One of the officers bashed her with a stick. A doctor came up behind her very quickly and injected her neck with the biggest damn syringe I ever saw. As the officers dragged Renee’s unconscious body away one of the doctors explained to me, “Sorry for the inconvenience, sir. This lady escaped a mental ward.”
“So there is no Mars?” I said.
“No.”
The doctors left, and I sulked at the bar a while longer. The bartender refused to give me back the blood needle. “Sorry, pal,” he said. “I don’t make the rules.” I didn’t care anymore anyway. I just thought it might be a nice memento of a time when I still had human blood. Not that I’d remember a damn thing about any of this when the serum wore off. And I was grateful for that.
I finished my drink and waited for the inevitable devolution back into my ape form, comforted by the knowledge that I had a hot ape wife waiting for me back home, who was a huge slut.